my mom used to put diet coke in my bottle. i can pretty much handle anything.
She told me I was only the second guy she slept with. I told her she was only my second Megan.
Not gonna lie i was comfortable between the allsups air conditioners while you were talking to the cop.
He brought me bullshit flowers and a bullshit apology. Even shrek did more than that for Fiona. And he's an ogre. Does this not say anything about him?
Ong my arms are moving wo my consent
Dude. All those hangovers I never had came back with a vengeance. I just opened the door of this car to barf. The car was not motionless. We are on the autobahn.
Everything is just really out of control. I hear puking from three different parts of the house. Roger has black eye from being punched. Kaiser tried shaving his head, but somehow burned himself. Music is bumping, but everyone is either puking and calling out for help or blacked the fuck out.
I think Facebook knows you fucked me. All of a sudden I get everything you do in my news feed.
Saying someone's good at giving head is like saying someone is good at pouring juice like there is that one girl who will spill it everywhere but for the most part it's not that hard to be good at
I puked on his mom. Not my proudest moment
I lost my bra at his grandma's house so there's that.
I have got to stop telling people I was almost a prositute every time I drink
So I'm at home coloring while smoking a joint. It can only go down hill from here.
Woke up from a black out in a strangers Jeep without phone, shoes, or wallet.
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
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