Your face is a jimmy john
Plan B is the new Plan A
Say something about gay babies.
I just got my inseam measured in raffle tickets by a drag queen. Being fondled for charity is awesome.
He did the "not my house dance." Apparently it involves spreading cereal on the floor and then grinding into the carpet in bare feet while singing "not my house" over and over and dancing.
i could have sworn she did an overextended split with her legs over her head but now i think it was just the drugs
She screamed at us, "You guys need to wake up and smell the beer-bong!"
i think i just asked a donut if it was ok
You're the only person not starstruck by him
Yes. That tends to happen after you regularly lick someone's balls.
"He didn't answer my snap so I know he's arrested"
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
Thank you for being so charming, but do you have syphilis?
Its because she suspects I'm a frequent drug user, which I am, but I am going to make her feel like she is crazy for believing it.
He was singing on top of spaghetti, and then started crying. He said it was the saddest song ever, "so so sad".
Did he pick you up in a mini van?
Yes. Turns out my sugar daddy is about to be an actual daddy
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