This guy has a retainer. We're golden.
i wish there were pregnant emoticons
Is it a bad that I spent my 5 year anniversary with my husband texting my ex boyfriend?
He probably put up nude pics. He seems like that kind of guy.
How do you tell if you're on the terrorist watch list?
Give us adventure or give us cock. Or cocktails.
Multiple bruises and a hell of a headache later, I have still to find out where the fuck I picked up the bottom half of a mannequin.
Ran out of plates, so I'm using my sociology notes. Looks like they will finally have a practical use.
You know you have done too many drugs when you gum the sugar off your margarita without even thinking twice
who was i chillin with last night? i woke up in a storage unit
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
We went to Olive Garden so high we didn't talk and managed to be awkward enough for the waiter to ask if it was our first date
I feel like a weird modern Betty Crocker. I'm icing a cake and looking at gay porn, if that's not an accurate portrayal of the 21st century idk what is.
I was trying to come up with a reason why you shouldn't be naked in front of me, and now I have 'If you give a mouse a cookie" stuck in my head
I’ve lost count of how many disciplines of science this conversation about Harry Potter has gone through.
Randomize
