I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
there's a taquito in the driveway. If it's not yours I'm going to eat it.
She threw up everywhere and is crying about a fictional character who died on Grey's Anatomy
Theres a truck parked on the front yard and i just want to take this opportunity to tell you now that it is not my fault.
I decided that I do the same thing when i'm drunk with every guy who has a girlfriend...lecture them on how bad cheating is, then hook up with them. I'm like good cop, bad cop.
Nothing gets you judged faster than having cum in your hair at the gas station.
I feel like death crawled up inside me and died. That sick
You can't just take out your bong for hits in public places... That's what pipes are for. You've got to be stealthier.
No, it's okay because this is the city of trees.
YOU'VE ALREADY BEEN BUSTED MORE THAN ONCE. THAT'S NOT A VALID EXCUSE FOR BONG HITS IN COFFEE GARDEN
Overheard-"sex" and "giblet gravy" in the same sentence. Best thanksgiving ever.
I'm gonna take a nap by the fireplace and pretend like I know what day it is.
Did I call him? He cried after taking my bra off. You tell me.
it was cool until he whispered 'sounds like you need a good dicking' with a completely serious face and i just lost it
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
You can't leave me alone in times of distress because I will fuck things 🙈😐
It was a strange night. I made out with his college roommate and said "do you care?" beforehand.
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