You know how I told you I don't have many naked pics? Apparently that changed last night.
He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
I was in the bathroom throwing up...when I walked out he was sitting there watching porn and jacking off. He said, "Sounded like you were gonna be in there for a while."
he belly flopped onto the beer pong table, and almost boke his face, so at that point we decided swimming would be safer for him.
I thought he wouldn't talk to me again. You know, what's that saying "why buy the cow when you can fuck it six hours after meeting"
Left and drinking by a bar by myself. Everyone is in pajamas. I'm in a tuxedo. This is my life.
I just realized the only way to play Edward forty-hands is commando in a skirt. This intelligence kick is really doing me justice.
Holy hangover, going dancing with family good idea, taking the last shot with the transvestite bar owner not so much...
And my nipple is sore from him biting it. That is not a complaint.
I'm pmsing and only have one functional foot
Ugh I realized he only responds to my snaps when I’m eating a popsicle
Why are male brains so small?
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
I just baptized you in budweriser and you were cool with it
Ps can u get with my cousin? He's a freshman at uconn and he's very attractive but like were related....
That chick keeps sending eggplant emojis
Welcome to dating in the digital age. Better catch up now that you’re divorced
and eggplant is code for penis. It means she’s DTF. Go get her tiger!!!
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