and she said "My body is an orphanage, I take everybody in"...
My mom make sausages for dinner...and all I could think of was your dog's penis..
Hey guess what I got for Valentine's day? Debt and blue balls.
Hashbrowns don't come out your nose as easily as you would think
he sent me this 10 second long video of a gorilla eating a banana on my phone. no explanation. I didn't even have his number. just. a gorilla eating a banana.
I'm getting very mixed reviews. One friend told me to stop drinking bc the last 3 times he's heard from me I've either peed my pants, been throwing up, or people have been having sex beside me.
Strangely enough I'm encouraging you to keep drinking for all the same reasons.
It's what America was founded on: former hookups referring you for a job four years later.
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
I made mike pull over so I could lay in the grass. He made me get up cuz I looked dead and people were passing. It was like 6:30am.
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
Please acknowledge the sock on the door. If not it will be rammed up your ass.
Who knows? Maybe we can sing afternoon delight into each other's genitals.
Just did an entire nights worth of bar crawl in an hour. Boom
The attempted closet masturbation was unforgivable.
That was the most fucked up I've ever seen him. He had the fucking Canola Oil!
Im gonna get home and destroy this bag of chicken nuggets with my soul.
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