Please tell me how I woke up out in the middle of nowhere wearing nothing but a hard hat and a man thong?
Why does Thanksgiving make hot girls feel disgusting and fat girls feel horny? Its killing my prospects.
It didn't go so well. He got drunk and asked my dad if 'front or back' virginity mattered more.
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
The cardboard box in my backseat wasn't strong enough to keep your pee contained. Come clean my car.
What ever happened to the whole 'innocent until proven guilty' thing. Like 'not pregnant until proven pregnant'. That's how it should be...
You did this to me with your delicious pizza and moonshine.
I'll forgive you once we're drunk again by noon.
Guess what I'm doing tonight? Tacos and strip chess.
Her mom is a nurse who got called in to declare someone dead. Just got wing manned by a corpse.
I "liked" his changed relationship status just to show him I'm ok with the fact he found someone not as pretty as me
It was a great party. People were literally still doing shots and playing drunk Jenga at 6am...
I just wanted to tell you that the German word for "dickhead" can also be translated as "ass violin" and I think that's beautiful.
You used a fucking bud light like as lube last night. I'd get a UTI test like stat.
Idk, but the girl in his story had really nice eyebrows and was singing The Climb. How about you CLIMB the fuck away from my man
FORGET THE EYEBROWS
My liver has officially said "fuck this shit" and escaped from my body.
Randomize
