pissed the bed twice, first one side then rolled over , other side. boom.
Hi
Babe...You're really smothering me right now
there hasn't been a girl guy ratio this good since a guy jumped on one of the Titanic life rafts
I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
The bridesmaids just went smackdown on the floor, over the bouquet. I saw nipple. Best wedding ever
Don't be a smartass. I'm trying to fuck a guy who's sober. It's more difficult than you think.
I tried to take a photo for proof but couldn't hold my penis, camera, and measuring tape all at the same time.
This little shit keeps eating the playdoh so i replaced the green with wasabi from work. Wonder what his parents are gonna think when he burns his soft palette?
He offered to teach me how hula hoop in exchange for acid. I took him up on it.
On a side note the mornings you do so much Xanax that you wake up totally at one with the universe and feel invincible are great
Someone want to explain the bottle of ranch I found in my pants
I feel like there should be a 'roommate information section' of the paperwork when there's a chance you'll be given pain killers.
I'm only gonna ask u this once. Y is there a picture of u only in superman underwear rubbin ur nipple on facebook????
Uh I can actually explain that one..
if you go to jail tonight, call call me. i wanna get out of work
What? No, wine isn't my weakness, I just love it.
Randomize
