I will never underestimate my ability to drunken ramble. At one point last night i think i was talking about hieroglyphics
I just took went to the bathroom and it smelt like blue curococo... I didn't flush yet so head on up if you wanna know what a good night smells like.
I got a Luke Skywalker costume so I can go do battle with the homeless guy who plays the fiddle dressed as Darth Vader downtown.
She liked to slap me in the face while she was on top. All I can say is that big boobs can excuse a lot.
Oh god our sink is a cavalcade of horrors. Brb sacrificing a goat and putting everything in the dishwasher forever
You may now shotgun with the bride
they knew we were both to shy to do anything so they got us drunk and locked us in the back yard with a tent. it was fuck or freeze
you have the best friends
I ran into a hotel and told the doorman he was doing a great job. That was before you cried on my jacket.
someone wrote my own number down on my hand and then call me.
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
he cancelled our romantic dinner reservations so we could stay home and watch a Rocky movie marathon and order pizza. i know i should be upset but i think i'm kinda in love.
YOU MAKE ANAL SEX SOUND LIKE A SPORTING EVENT
oh the usual. high as balls and crying about the hunger games.
Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?
The fact that I can now puke rainbows on snapchat makes my life that much better
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