well that was a long night...
dude, you were pretty messed up... what happened?
no idea... but i still woke up with my pirate hat on
My mother just asked me if i ever swallow the goods...should i be concerned?
I mean he's a cool ass guy, but he's genuinely in love with a fat chick. I just can't take him seriously as a person.
so I made out with a lobbyist last night. im officially a resident of D.C
She had one drink in her cleavage and another in her hand. She kept rotating between the two by leaning backward and then sipping the one in her hand.
It's like....nice talking about real estate but your son gave me herpes
Fire alarms went off at reception of gay wedding im at. We all had to evacuate until FD got here. Then...ill just text the photos.
If he tries to stick his thumb up my butt again im going to rip his dick off with my vagina
I told you those kegels would come in handy one day
I just put fruit snacks in my sangria instead of real fruit. Its like freshman year all over again..
We couldn't afford sangria freshman year. We're lucky we had fruit snacks..
There just aren't enough words in the English language to convey my deep and abiding love of your cock. So I am beefing up on my Portuguese.
My wife ladies and gentlemen! Love ya babe.
I went to bed at ten on a Friday night I have virtues to spare
Lol no. She's home safe. You forget she is too pretty to get arrested.
My moral compass cannot be waived by two measly bloody Mary's
Did my roommate wake up in your girlfriend's apartment in drag again?
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
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