ive had 594 apples! thats 99 apples 6 times! math!
A homeless guy asked you to feel your boobs, you accepted in exchange for his broom to go with your witch costume..... that's when I cut you off
its mom's weekend..did we need to couger proof the apt?
I just found out my boyfriend is cheating on me, please tell me Carl is a unisex name.
it's kinda bad that we're already planning travel arrangements to his funeral
Oh, and thanks to you. I'm now stuck in the living room, held hostage, listening to my roommate's "How I discovered I was bi" story. FUCK YOU.
I don't remember what happened but judging from the contents of my pockets it had something to do with potatoes and glo in the dark condoms
He said in a slur "I go so hard, even when I..." and cut himself off by projectile vomiting all over the ice luge.
A guy in the dance floor is raising the roof with an axe in hand. I love Halloween.
Drunk Sam makes promises that Sober Sam can't keep
After the first time we had sex he kept saying "I'm proud of you" over and over again
And some neighbor just saw me naked and hunched over a bag of potato chips stuffing my face. Maybe clothes aren't a bad idea.
no fucks will be given and no pants will be worn
i'll bring the vodka
His dick smelled like strawberries...it was awesome.
Breakfast sounds amazing but can we do IHOP instead? I have to pick up a Plan B pill and there’s a CVS next to it
Randomize
