A freshman just woke up on our back pourch... He swears there was a party here last night but we didn't have one
he proceeded to punch 3 mailboxes in a row and when i asked him why, he said "because they were talking shit"... i need a new boyfriend. and a new life.
so if i die before i go back to school its because the thing we found in the hallway that i've been smoking out of is a crack pipe
I've spent the last three hours watching 30 rock and eating marshmallows and ham. I'm considering taking up weed to justify my lifestyle.
Yes. Yes. Double yes. I'll bring the tits. You bring the frosting.
I picked the lock on the bathroom door and sang him a song while he pooped. Why is he mad?
The only responsible thing ive done in vegas is shower and that was onky to clean vomit off me
Gas station champagne. And before you say anything I'll have you know it's imported. From California. So get fucked.
I told him I was gunna have sex with him in both of our cars at the same time.
I woke up with my earring stuck inbetween my tits. Somehow you fucked my earring out and my boobs saved it. I'm pretty impressed with both of us right now.
I tried to have a quickie with him at the company happy hour. I think I need to quit my job.
You're not gonna like every guy whose dick I put in my mouth
I accidentally brought up how there used to be a big tree in his yard, which I could only have known if I had been Google mapping his house.
This is a weird combination of planning and sexting but whatever
Executive decision.... we are cuddling naked
Randomize
