Ben affleck wants to be a US senator. Just thought you would puke with me
You need to tell him your pregnant or we need to stop playing doubles beer-pong. My liver is begging you.
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
Here's a tip. Don't party with someone that needs sexual attention. Drinking and sexual attention don't mesh well in the morning. Especially over a bowl of Cheerios.
Happy meals everywhere. I think Ronald McDonald Claus visited.
I just tried to make cleaning gasoline off your shoes with toilet paper in the Chemistry Building bathroom look normal. I failed.
Two cats fucking in the middle of the street. I sat there and watched in my car because I didn't want to cock block the male by honkin my horn.
Well I'll be shitfaced all day the 4th in honor of this great nation... but I'm down for drunken camping/nature fucking on the 5th
You ran into the tattoo shop screaming PIERCE MY TITIES
You know she's gonna fuck shit up when she shows up in a neon wind-suit
Was it you I was with where I saw a guy open a beer with his butt?
This is like the fourth time this month I've woken up hungover in someone's backyard
Remember, today is also the anniversary of Harambe's death. D**** out.
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
Idk... I'm not sure why anyone would use a flesh light in general. Let alone hook it up to a wifi device.
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