In the middle of getting a blow job, she looked up at me and said "this isn't the first time I've done this today"
You may or may not of thrown up on your shoes, and you tried to give me a wet willy in my eye.
My Mom printed off all of my Augusts text messages. Apparently I've been drinking WAY too much and having an intermediate drug problem. I have to go home everyw weekend for the rest of the semester
The amount I want to die right now is not proportionate to the level of fun I had last night. Not fair.
Also I walked home in over mitts \nLet's take a minute to really laugh about that
I know how to make vodka btw in case you want to come over and do a science project
I've seen people win free drinks for a lot less dude, no need to drop trou on a piano.
He wanted me to come over on Christmas...inviting your fuck buddy over for the holidays is just something you don't do.
Apparently I blacked out and started wrestling with some dude last night. Just found out I might have dislocated his shoulder. Best part: he still wants to bone me
He said his fantasy involved both of us fucking while stuffed into the same overalls
ITS THE FIRST FRIDAY NIGJT AFTER MOVING IN WITH THE NEW ROOMIE AND I ACTUALLY JIST RIPPED MY TAMPON OUT AND THREW IT IN THE NEIGHBORS YARD WERE GOINF ON THE BOAT AND SLEPEING IN HIS AMBULANCE GOODNIGHT
I woke up on the couch screaming in pain. I don't know how ended up there or why my foot was double the size. all I know is I'm now in a cast and never drinking tequila again. worst hangover ever.
I am real keen for none of this to be taken out of context so let’s just shut it down right now
My plan to hit on all your friends went to shit after the 3rd dirty martini.
My penis definitely considers my Captain Cock costume a success
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