Gonna be late. Someone jumped in front of our train.
My mom just told me to drench my entire body in vodka for 20 minutes. I have never been this russian. no one has ever been this russian
I just had a flashback to last nights party, I'm pretty sure I told most of the people there that I post a masturbation schedule for an iCal download.
85% positive I just found a hair of a certain variety wayyy in the back of my mouth between two teeth while flossing.
8$ liquor pitchers. I'm gonna wear two or three pairs of underwear so when drunk me takes them off there'll still be a pair on.
thinking back, the fact that our bartender was missing a finger shouldve been hint number one not to let him pick our drinks
and I'm sitting five inches from the tv scrunched up in a ball watching doug. It's like I'm five again...except I'm more stoned than the dude who created this show
You are a magnificent human being. I love you from head to toe. This wine is DELICIOUS.
When I said to give it to me hard and fast, I didn't mean like 15 seconds fast.
The three yr old girl I nanny grabbed a pole just now and is chanting "this is my house"
Sounds like you at that dive bar last weekend
I appreciate alcohol much more now that I have to be sober sometimes
I wore sunglasses to take a shower. I might be hungover.
But he's super into Jesus and I'm the devil. So we weren't meant to be
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
Randomize
