Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
Still workable. Pretty sure i told her i'd eat her out in the woods.
i almost got kicked out of the rave because i was trying to get in on some couple's makeout sessions
So I've come to the conclusion that I would cry if I had an ugly baby.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
yeah but it's new years. they should arrest people for being sober that day.
You should make cookies and when I get home we can have a slow motion hug and eat them
Ive seen him cuddling a giant inflatable seahorse. Nothing could be creepier than that.
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
If the world ends now I want you to know I was on my favorite toilet fighting the good fight.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You kept running up to married couples, taking their pictures and begging for them not to get divorced
Would you mind pretending to be lesbians just for like three emails?
He had an extremely smooth butt for a man with such rough hands.
Dude, I woke up with wet dollar bills in my boxers where did you take me???
I woke up in my neighbors backyard with glitter on my teeth and sparklers super glued on my bra. which part was your fault?
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
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