My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
Trying not to fart in the comp lab is going to take everything i've got.
I feel like a really awesome person when i have to check my roof for things i've lost
Lemme guess, I was the one completely shit faced making out with the 50 year old...
LOL, wrong number bro. Good luck trying to figure out what happened though..
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
I was going to be upset with you on moral grounds but then i realized free chocolate was involved
I'm not sure why, but my salad smells like a Big Mac. Or maybe that's just the smell of yesterday's, seeping through my skin.
He caught a Pokemon on my head while I sucked him off. I think I need to marry him.
I don't need this shit right now. I just woke up covered in pistachios
I'm pretty sure I hallucinated the existence of an entire human being last night.
VIVE LA RESISTANCE
Oh god, what now?
I think I’ve been affected by his dad mustache. I wanna ride it.
So I took my bra off and threw it in the bushes before we went to the bars..
She has a girlfriend too.. we decided that two cheats equal eachother out to zero. with our flawed grasp on algebra and the bottle of jack we were passing back and forth the logic seemed airtight.
Randomize
