Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
is it sad that whenever i need to spell "independent" i still sing that one rap song?
The football player sitting in front of me just googled himself. Only 4 articles came up. That's why he plays at Utah State.
she wants me to meet her parents and she hasn't even met my penis yet.
it'll be like the batcave but for manwhores
You grabbed her hand and started jacking her finger off. She was horrified.
Did it finish?
I hope your perfect outfit is a slutty power rangers outfit. That's been my dream wedding since I was a kid.
Found out people don't like it when you get drunk at fundraising auctions and bid in foreign currencies.
he has this weird thing where he watches me pee
Seriously, even though I keep it clean, I could douse it in bleach and set it on fire and still not be comfortable with you actually holding it. It's been in my VAGINA.
Just blew a guy who had the same phone case as me. It was destiny.
i just smoked marajunia from a shotgun barrell. what have you done today?
Ugh it's 2016, why can't our bodies just shed fat on their own
I despise everything about her. Except her tits.
I will consider today a failure if my nipple isn't bitten at least 😂
Oh is THAT how we're gonna play mini golf
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