he left me a 6 minute video of him peeling a clementine listening to justin bieber
Everytime I cough, my tampon falls out a little bit. Does this mean I'm loose?
My favorite part was when he stopped, looked up in the middle of performing oral sex and asked, "you did know it was Arbor Day, right?"
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
I would totes be making out with random people in the name of america if I was at the white house right now
I lost track of him after he threw the handful of pennies at the 2 female cops and ran into the darkness. I heard a tazer and a scream. All that is left is his flip flop. Its like hes drunken man-derella.
Jesus just hopped over the fence with a rack of coors. How's your Halloween?
I'd love to sympathize with you but I'm drunk in a mansion
I am not exagerating when I say the thought "screw you future me" actually just went through my head
Seriously, she had fingers that made me thank a god I don't even believe in that I'm gay.
you look like you're about to get down on your knees and give america the business.
ill be home in an hour. Be in my bed ready for disappointment
yea, she was legit pissed that her rasberry vodka ice cubes never actually froze. but we couldnt convince her otherwise.
she said. She was going to, and I quote, "put her vagina inside my dick".
It’s the universal cock block of this decade
FUCK THE COCKBLOCK 19
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