I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
You don't even understand how penises react in the cold. I'm like a 8 year old boy right now.
should we take a power nap before our cocaine gets here?
He's drunk and putting on a tie for the jimmy john's delivery guy
the question is "speedos?" and the answer is "yes".
You better wipe the dick of your lips before you come smoke this blunt.
Overall win. We all know who got to sleep on the concrete outside of Denny's with you.
You were sending me snapchats from a bathtub with your beer helmet on and your boobs out.
what's the proper way to say, "I'm sorry for puking on you and your bed mid hook up then going downstairs and fucking your roommate because you locked me out of your room completely naked...?"
I'm wearing a suit and have no chance of getting laid or robing a casino. I consider this opportunity a failure
because. if I can't sit outside naked and eat my watermelon every morning then I really don't see the point in moving in with you.
Is being in jail an excusable absence?
the good news is that even if it's Alex's, I can still say it's Colin's, because the kid will come out ginger anyway!
who knew there'd be a plus side to your ginger fetish one day?
I hurt myself, but I'm pretty sure I saved the carpet.
Yeah, oh and the story gets better. His friend was dressed as a christmas tree wrapped in twinkle lights and had to plug himself in the wall all night.
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