Intervention is following me on twitter.
wow.
i feel this outfit says i'm better than you, but i might give you a handjob behind a building
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
RIP Summer 2010. God knows it had to be one of us..
She told me I should be a condom model.
The only reason we got away with streaking last time was cuz we had those miner hats
it would be cheaper just to buy a dildo to intimidate people with.
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
I'm two shots in and wandering around Barnes and Noble with $58 in singles.
DO NOT SLAP ANYONE WITH ANY VEGAN MEAT PATTIES
I just bought a bottle of lube for my car.
i don't think i have enough personality to make it through this date sober.
Either he pets my cat or this deal is null
I decided we werent gonna go for round 5 when he started trying to have a serious conversation about how blessed he is to have such a nice penis
He has a point, the man's penis is a legend.
Are you coming over for scrambled eggs and hand jobs?
Randomize
