Jennifer and I just ate like 4 jello shots w/ a guy dressed as inspector gadget. We are still in the capital building btw
I love Texas.
I think my fart just growled at me.
why did they invent bidet's? your butt gets clean when your poop falls in the toilet and splashes up anyway...
do you think my med school application would be worse off if "I like helping others and shit" slipped into an essay I emailed last night?
you dont seem to understand my overwhelming need to watch space jam right now
Stop making excuses. You can be here in 5 and cumming in 10
I'm really hoping to find some quality strange ass tonight while at my court appearance.
After a certain point, you just want to make it work. Prove to yourself that you're smarter than the vibrator.
Just a heads up... Don't get high and attempt to do your own taxes
Apparently that big girl from last night tried to take me upstairs when I was blacked out and all I did was grab Qs arm and whisper 'don't let her take me'
i threw up in his garden in front of like five people smoking a joint. they let me have a hit after i was done so it was okay
My backyard is filled with beer cans. You idiots turned our backyard into a redneck ball-pit
im glad im back to a point in my life where i have enough sex to sometimes be offered and be like naw im good.
Why is there a trampoline for sale in my front yard?
I tried saying sorry but instead I puked down her shirt and tried to clean it up... Now I have a bruise on my forehead. good news, before she left she wrote her number on my stomach with sharpie
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