your cum blends into my yellow sheets :/
An alarm set every 45 minutes saying "FATTY" and one every afternoon saying "CASPER" every day until spring break is a foolproof plan to being bikini ready
Clothes are such an inconvenience.
I wouldnt consider it a good Wednesday if there wasn't any projectile vomit involved
Just found a ramen cup in the stall and all of the showers running with no one in them. WHERE ARE YOU?
Well I found you sipping ron diaz out of a child's dinosaur cup while sticking your fingers in the guy's fish tank and watching the "pirahnas" snap at your finger and laughing
asked the cab driver where he learned Swahili last night.
you're avoiding the subject, i want to know how you ended up at the strip club with the dog, fucker
I hooked up with some guy to get over my ex last night. I was terrified until we started doing naked pushups.
No one parties like Jon. He once stole a cops hat, ran like the wind, partied all night with it, and dropped it off at the station the next day with a box of donuts as an appology.
It's fine. I wouldn't trust either of them to be my workplace drug buddy.
This stupid maranara sauce stain sucks. It keeps distracting me and it looks like I'm staring at my tits.
i need to stop meeting underage girls and letting them into the bar. i mean yea its a surefire way to get laid without having to tell them I'm 26 but i feel like as a bouncer I'm focusing on all the wrong things
I taught a straight girl about grindr today. She showed me tinder. It was like some sexual cultural exchange program
She wouldn't eat a clam- if you blow a line pregnant you can eat a clam
Randomize
