Jason just peed on the potty all by himself!!
"omg awesome!, you do realize we aren't together anymore"
I just had an epiphany. There is NOTHING TO STOP ME from making cake mix and eating it all instead of making a cake. It feels like my entire life has peaked at this moment.
he found you with your pants down, trying to straddle the urinal. no one should have to see their sister like that. ever.
please dont ever try to drink horizontally again. I thought I was going to have to give you cpr
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
He made me meet him in the baby department of walmart where he was waiting with his pregnant girlfriend. Time for a new dealer
she made a facebook for her toddler.. his likes include lil wayne and ice luge. He has more friends than i do. I mean, Seriously? there's not enough booze in the world to make thanksgiveing bearable
You kept trying to make people drink "salsa-ritas." But all you did was dump tequila in a half full jar of salsa, and shove it in people's faces while shouting at them.
At least I made out with him before he made out with that dog...
Going back to the ever classy sneak out to the fridge and swig liquor from the bottle method. That it is legal for me to drink here makes the fact that I have to do this all the more depressing.
I can't decide if this outfit makes me look like a pirate. I also can't decide if I care if it does.
I don't want his dick, I want his flame thrower!!
i like that he makes me laugh. those are like my two favorite things. laughing and fucking.
my roommates are pretty pissed at me. they sent me out for ice and i came back with a kitten.
Didn't know my clit could produce that many orgasms in one night. Fuck my husband; think I might have to become a lesbian.
Randomize
