I just saw a man with a full beard and frosted tips
there is no god
I just saw the Donald Trump of homeless quys walking down the street. He had three shopping carts and a bike.
I decided that $2 and a kiss on the cheek was a great tip for the pizza girl. No one is REALLY sure how much I've have to drink.
Give me the approximate price and I'll give you the equivalence in blowjobs.
Yea dude. I'm gonna be the life of the party. THIS BITCH GETS DRUNK BY HERSELF
he kept opening the car door while we were ON THE HIGHWAY and insisting he could walk. next time i drive my boss home at 3am i'm putting the child lock on
I just made a drink so ill shit. It's goona be great. Ill tell you about it when you get here. Get pumped. For my shit.
I hooked up with a British man... Wiz Khalifa has your bra... Couldn't have been a more successful night!
I'm just saying; the box truck will cost less then dorms or rent, and we can always crash where the party is.
I love how you sexted me before you told me happy birthday. Thank you.
Kinda hard to look your partner in the face the day after a rousing game of How Many Ways Can I Capture Your Penis.
I was the oldest, shortest, and soberest at the New Years party last night. My life sucks
Whiskey. Because sometimes it's fun to have your hands go numb.
A young (I'm going to guess late middle school age) kid shouted at me from the crosswalk GAS PUMP OF SHAME! I have peaked in life.
What's the point of having a gay best friend if he doesn't play with your titties?
Randomize
