theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
what if cement was really a rainbow color they just secretly paint it grey so as not to distract drivers
are you high?
How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
Whoa, Gary Coleman died
Whatchu talkin bout?!?!
Too soon.
I just decorated my birth control case with Lisa Frank stickers. If that doesn't scream 'I'm not ready for babies' I don't know what does.
I didn't realize I was holding it, until I was like, "whose baby is this?"
I'm laying outside on my patio attempting to get sun with a puke bucket next to me... This is dedication to the tan my friend
I told him I liked how shrimp feels in my mouth, but I don't actually like eating it. Turned out to be the most awkward way to say that I wanted to suck his dick.
he never texted me back from last night. i think brining out the suction cup dildo was a mistake
I noticed while having sex on Friday that I have great endurance. CrossFit works.
I'm kinda glad you won't be in Vegas tomorrow because you'd make us go streaking or throw dead animals at them.
I'd call the fact I ended up in my own bed a huge success
Tequila shots and throwing it at a bell.
This is dumb. I'll keep doing it.
The blonde cop looked at my license and told me I better have be home when her shift ends
I hate you
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