my mom heard me say 'don't squirt that at me' while me & him were in my room. She then decided to call my aunt and complain to her that she has the sluttiest daughter in town. she refused to believe me when i told her i was talking about gel.
I'm with your mom on this one.
New moon trailer came on. Theater booed. I love these people.
Googled "can you put dry ice in your drink?" I'm safee
Honestly, where the fuck is osama bin laden?
Excuse me by sucking dick i am fighting crime. Just think of all the prostitues going out of business and getting real jobs.
He painted his chest for the game... I just fucked an exclamation point.
Yea, i was tied up and blindfolded. And someone was throwing chicken nuggets at my face.
i watched you ride a mechanical penis. nothing is awkward between us anymore.
The port-a-pottys are knocked over so I have nowhere to sleep.
Drunk life lesson just learned the hard way: do not try to play hump the great dane. He may take you up on it.
What's the standard Christmas present for six months of booty calls?
Mobile recharge?
A cute girl just told me she forgot to take her birth control and winked... I've never been so conflicted about fleeing in terror
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
I showed him my toy collection and he goes, "You won't need those anymore," and dropped his pants. I threw the House of Pleasure out last night.
You kept telling everyone that you were as sober as a camel. I have yet to figure out what that means
Randomize
