Maybe if you date her you can take a dump on her
I think I just broke my ankle. I've only had one beer. I'm getting drunk before I go to the ER so it's less embarassing.
you convinced the bartender to un-cut you off by letting him touch your boobs whenever you ordered a drink.
at john mayer concert. alone. to many highschool kids. i feel like a drunk chaperone with a pomegranite martini mustache
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
okay, please tell me Cammy is the one who put the picture and note on my desk saying "beat off to this homeboy"
Oh god our sink is a cavalcade of horrors. Brb sacrificing a goat and putting everything in the dishwasher forever
well, I yelled "the tribe has spoken!" at a boatload of people and then I walked home alone in the pouring rain at 1:30am. karma really is a bitch, yo.
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I haven't even sucked a boob is 6 weeks I hate not college
It's times when I'm naked but also want to be platonically social that I miss you the most.
Can you come unlock the door? I just peed myself on the porch.
Let's get drunk and take out your tonsils tonight
i just read a article called "Booze, Drugs, and Bipolar Disorder"... i think someone is writing the memoirs of my life
So...I'm pretty sure I have officially determined that reverse cowgirl is the only position possible to have sex in my smart four two
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