found: crazy homeless guy quoting Quagmire lines to every chick he sees. i think i win the scavenger hunt.
dude you were so wasted last night you ate a sandwich made out of tomatos, cheese, doritos, salt & pepper. Then you heated it in the micro for 5 min to melt the cheese.
how opposed are you to picking me up at the bar at 11:00am?
There's a middle eastern man wearing a cow costume with tequila coming out of his udders, but I'm not sober enough to feel uncomfortable with it.
Tonight was the second time that I've pretended like English was my 2nd language to avoid conversation w a creeper.
If you want to borrow my flask for all future interviews as a good luck charm because your last one went so well with it in your suit pocket, just let me know
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
I know it sucks but it's just something that needs to be done though. Like shaving ur pubes or going to the dentist.
I sent him an 18 page sext. He's going to have a good morning.
I vaguely recall putting a toaster in the freezer.
My sober self will be embarrassed tomorrow. For now I am laughing my ass off.
He was trying to talk to me about standards while he had a french fry box on his hand like a glove and was using it to flatten his cheeseburger.
The time to say "now you can't go and be strange about this at work" is not as you are penetrating your coworker. NOW its awkward
Does going to a local bar count as taking part in Small Business Saturday? Asking for a friend
I fished a Couples Masturbation DVD out of somebody’s trash and kept it. That’s how desperate I am.
Randomize
