the 3rd commandment: and god said, if you buy a handle.. you must finish it.
I got her a Nickelback box set.
I never once brought up his unibrow when he was insulting me. That's class.
the facebook you made of my ass has 10 times more friends than i do.
Dude its 315 and I'm sitting here eating slices of cheese. Don't talk to me about tomorrow.
he called me from germany to tell me about all the gummy bears he bought...i'm doubting his sobriety
I just reached for my seatbelt when I sat down to pee... Might be a little hungover.
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
My mom just looked at me while watching the fireworks and asked if it reminded me of how I felt after sex. I'm so uncomfortable.
Right now I'm in a club where they are passing out glow in the dark dildos by the dozen. I don't think my life will ever get weirder than it is at this moment.
I have to stop letting him stay all weekend. I feel like a cored apple.
Sorry about waking up naked in your bed this morning.
In other news, last night I told somebody they made eczema look so good they should call it sexzema.
Just FYI....you totally yelled out Royals while we were having sex last night lol.
so you 69ed him in the parking lot of your apartment
yah I won't allow him in my apartment
Randomize
