My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
i was blowing him and "what if god was one of us" came on his playlist. I had to leave
Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
He sat on a barstool and did the robot for 3 hours - I'm pretty sure he enjoyed himself.
I got a Cease & Desist email from NBC for downloading Bruno. I am not going down for gay porn.
I don't drink during the week.... well, except for Bailey's Tuesdays, which I have to start implementing further.
According to the stories I've heard I decided I was a stuntman after my 6th shot of Jack
i just saw the eighteen different ways i could die and only after that did i realize i'd made a poor decision
How am I suppose to fully love you when you cant even open up and try to fulfill my midget fantasy
I thought my ass was sore from the gym then I realized it was from being spanked. Confusing time in my life.
I came so hard I burst a blood vessel in my eye. If i cant marry this girl, I'm gonna have to switch teams.
Who knew I could feel anymore shameful at the bar than i usually do...I think my bartender recognizes me from the walk of shame out of his house after i hooked up with his son yesterday
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
I only live four blocks from the bar but when you're hammered this walk feels like the journey through Mordor.
I went to a swingers party and came home with a boyfriend. I love my life.
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