I wanna get so fucked up that I try to catch a coyote in a pillowcase, breakdance fight a lion, and send back some toast at Denny's when I see its slightly burnt.
This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
so, I mean this in the straightest way possible, but don't you ever just feel like you owe Jon Stewart a blowjob...
Give me the approximate price and I'll give you the equivalence in blowjobs.
Ohhh. Its been awhile. Vending machine hotel condoms are $15 here who can afford to not get herpes?
Thank you for not boning my boss.
You are a lesbian wizard with red hair. You are willow
Children cease to be precious when they crap their shorts in the pool I exercise at.
If you hear a loud thud and smell ozone, I may have been electrocuted.
I just had a random tinder dude give me a ride home from school because my car is dead. Tinder rules! It's like Uber, but with boys who want to impress you.
I'm going to have to go for it. It's like Mt. Everest. It's large and unpredictable but I live for adventure and it's worth never coming back from. Mt. BigDick.
Plus we had to have sex before the game because there is a good chance we won’t be speaking for the rest of the week. #ironbowl
Thus began an intricate shell game of nude cardigan photos
We have massive handle of kettle and a rack of hi life
That's the happiest ive ever been at 7:48 am....
Be there in 6 mins I’m smell like fireball. and strippers and need to use your showers before go home
Randomize
