Jesus can read your poker face... He is not pleased
Yeah not really sure what I said but I remember "douchebag" and "fuck your own face"
To a 70 year old lady?!
Sitting in a bubble bath with my bong, how's your morning?
I don't know what I should tell you tell you. I don't want to encourage you to dye my dog.
she cried into her fur with two handfuls of money- she was the physical manifestation of white girl problems
I've been at work 30 min broke a paper towel holder a chair set a box on fire and fell down twice. Hungover Brian just reached a new level
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
Love is....waiting for your girl to throw up her shot in the bathroom...then handing her her beer. Game face.
So mom called me from the hospital laughing her ass off. Apparently my sister is allergic to cocaine...
I love birth control. How's that for a Facebook status on valentines day.
The next time you fuck up, your grandma sees your dick pics
all I'm saying is that my epic blow jobs have made grown professional football players cry in ecstasy
you got drunk, told him he looked like shaggy and said 'I wouldn't show you my mystery machine for all the scooby snacks in the world'
To describe how high he was he said, " I'm cocked out of my ape sandwich" so yes...that was some pretty good weed.
Took my nervous poop earlier then expected it's gonna be a good day
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