i wish starbucks made bloody marys
I just put lube in Matt's bellybutton. He looks unhappy.
if i had a camp nickname it would be Flick Bean
the last girl i hooked up with and the last guy i hooked up with are hooking up right now. this is where bisexuality becomes a problem.
One of my students in my 8am class brought me a Tim Hortons cup with a bloody Mary in it. Clearly, I didn't manage to look not drunk when I ran into him at Denny's at 4am. Who decided to let me teach?
How do I explain the handcuffs and tanning goggles on our living room floor? There's rope too. The cats love the rope.
When that wave blew your top off I heard someone yell "SPANK BANK"
As a former fat girl, that's probably the best compliment I've ever received ever!
The German just referred to my vagina as the Great Barrier Reef and that he was going to go diving in it.
Dude, you need better judgement.Trust me I know. I put my dick in the wrong mouths all the time
at one point while they were drilling into my jaw I just remember thinking "will I ever be able to suck dick again"
I was going to say that I wasn't sure how that happened... but then I remembered that I bonded with the Australians over vitamins and INXS and they bought me tequila.
not ubering you a puppy
When the theology professor asked me what touched me most about this trip to Rome, I guess "the guy from last night" wasn't the proper response.
I just told my mormon professor that I was late because I was getting a STD test... good start to the day.
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
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