Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
I owe all of my success to double stuf oreos and weed.
he had a sign stolen from the tennis court hanging above his bed that said, "please limit play to one hour while others are waiting"
By the way, turns out "Danny B" is his penis. Not his cousin. I was right.
he walked down the highway for 3 miles at 4 am, and got me coffee on the way. i dont think a blow job would have been enough.
Is there a reason why the cops knew her name as they were chasing her?
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
Its funny how you denied every part of the text except " you hate fat ppl"
the beer staff turned into a beer spear way to quickly
Everyone looked at me like I just fucked a gopher and was wearing it like a hat
I am self-sufficient. I puked in a wine glass and emptied it in the trash. Points for style and neatness
But the Super Mario beer pong table is more than appropriate.
dude, I convinced you I was your conscience for like 15 minutes last night. you weren't just "a little high"
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
I just got woken up by that guy wearing a Krispy Kreme hat giving out donuts
Randomize
