Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
It's been a long time since I felt this bad on a Monday... and for that, I thank you.
do not give him the "i just had sex cake" i repeat DO NOT give him the cake. things didn't go well
Any day you don't mysteriously wake up in the garbage is a good day.
On a lighter note, my mom and I were playing scattergories, and for "things that you keep hidden" we both put dildo. Proof that we really are related.
some girl at the bar told me my beard would tickle every inch of her body till she joy puked her face off.... that was so random and odd i just had to buy her a drink for having the guts to say it to me. WTF
He put himself in the friend zone by calling me dude all night so I blew his friend. Judge me.
Does me being hung over take away from how professional I can be today?
His cat just sat there and simultaneously bobbed his head up and down while I blew him
I need a job that does not involve working with people who wear animal costumes when they get fucked.
Tonight’s your last chance for a danger free blowjob.
If he doesn’t slap your ass with his drumsticks, then I don’t wanna hear about it.
you poured beer in your mouth so you could be a beer pong cup for her to drink out of/make out with
Did it work?
Just sent a nude with the caption "seasons greetings from our family to yours"
Only you would try street racing in a Volvo.
Randomize
