It's a sad day when you realize you are no longer above fucking in movie theater bathrooms.
Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
You told him how lucky he was to be an elephant and kept trying to grab his "trunk"
I no longer question where these bruises come from... between the strip pole in the living room, the slipnslide in the hallway and our constant level of intoxication I will always be bruised...
and then they started calling me 'Shitshow Shandra', which apparently i took as a compliment.
searching my car for your cum before I have to give my grandma a ride to the airport. Thanks for this
Dude their dog does tricks for sips of beer. He keeps going up next to people and trying to shake. This is awesome.
When a girl says " I never would have come over if I knew I was getting kicked out at 7am." the correct response isn't "but think of how responsible you're being."
Officially conquered sex on my couch with my dad asleep in the next room
I like how you say "conquered" as if that was your sole mission in life
I need to stop acting like a drunk bitch. People are going to get the right idea about me...
Oh, I also stabbed a guy Friday and he still asked me out
I made out with that lesbian chick for a blunt. NO REGRETS.
He asked me how many starwars references he could make before i no longer find him attractive.
I learned tonight while in another country that no matter the nationality, men are disappointing in bed
My sister can't give you a handjob and us still be bros.
Randomize
