New drinking game: drink every time the guy whose room we are in is creepy
enjoy the hospital
you know that annoying kid in my psych class? accidentally hit him in the face with a door today. perfect end to the semester.
If I banged a coworker last night but didn't enjoy it can I put it down on my timesheet?
That was the most comfortable bag of doritos I have ever slept on!
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
Based on the time of Sean's "I'm on your street" phone call last night, we had sex for an hour and a half. Man, time flies when you're getting boned to an orgasmic death.
People were running around punching out the ceiling tiles Super Mario style.
He ordered three small pizzas while I was giving him head.
These cutoffs are too tight but my ass looks like Freedom
Well, I guess my plans of staying around the apartment and drinking my weight in boxed wine are ruined. I have a date tonight.
I just choked eating whip cream from the can, and peed a little because I was coughing so hard. How am I still single.
He’s over 6 feet has amazing posture and went to Harvard and has an awesome job and a great dick and loves Jesus and is an organ donor
Is this the guy you have listed as free food in your phone
Noooo he’s listed as free food #5
I'm just happy stripping was the reason you fractured your hand
no no no no you can't just say your dirtiest secret is "i sat on goldfish by accident once" and just leave i have QUESTIONS
AT LEAST TELL ME IF THE GOLDFISH WAS STILL IN A BOWL??????????????
I just want to get high and watch Dr. Pimple Popper.
Randomize
