if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
For some reason fuck navy didn't go over quite as well as say fuck michigan;
im just going to superglue mistletoe to my forehead and see what happens
you were asking all the dicks on chatroulette if they had daddy issues
I mean we've tried to get high on nutmeg, we clearly dont know the definition of "too far"
There's a good chance a guy sucked off my right earring last night
Are we talking about who knows if I'll get naked pictures of you with a broadsword or who knows if I'll be surprised?
He looks like a fat version of lurch from the adams family and smells like fritos. This is not the caliber man I want pleasuring himself to the thought of me!
Make way for the handjob queen! She will grab what she wants, when she wants, and from whomever she wants.
I knew you were blacked out when you started refusing beer.
Only in my life does a conversation about Hanukkah lead to sexting
Man, coughing on your period is like the biggest gamble a girl can make.
You went to pound town last night and chow town this morning. Boy you need a passport.
Jesus when did you leave my house? I found 2 bottles of wine, vodka, and a book with blow all over it wondering if I was read bedtime stories
Taking a shit in a Texas 7/11... not accepting phone calls now lol
Randomize
