I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
dont try to nair your balls. i speak from experience
Just got thank you sex for shoveling the driveway. I cant wait for the next blizzard
I shouldn't have had sex with her. I feel that I may have opened a pandora's vagina
I think this baby is eyeing my beer
Going home with an argentinian named sulvio. Ill let you know how it goes.
Dude they have your information. Come back. The sheriffs office is here, they are pissed..please come back otherwise jail is inevitable. Call me
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
You were pouring Patron into the window of the squad car trying to get the police dog to drink it
So thats why that cop beat my ass?
Probably
WHAT GOOD IS APPRECIATING IF NOBODY'S NAKED
I kid you not. He let me in into his house, showed me the putt putt in his backyard. Offered to play me.
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
Be careful, there is sex in the air.
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
Randomize
