i have your red jacket for some reason. and a good deal of shame and embarasment. note to self, wear underwear when you wear a dress. also, i was electrocuted last night. dont ask how.
Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
Remind them to make the "above the influence" commercial about us fallin off a ferris wheel
I'm going to join a nudist colony to win $1000. There are no down-sides to this.
I couldn't get past the raccoon on my porch so i slept on my lawn.
I wish him all the best and hope one day he can afford the surgery to remove his head from his ass
He looked like he was trying to woo a lady version of himself by playing goblin music on his guitar.
I miss the "How many Grindr hits can I get while performing in an elementary school?" game.
He called himself Jesus all night but I'm not sure if that's his real name or not
You have set the bar insurmountably high with apple pie and buttsex.
HEY. NO. THIS IS ABOUT YOU RIGHT NOW. YOUR COCK, MY MOUTH, THATS IT.
Can't feel body but making pizza rolls
my boobs just made me lose a game of beer pong. the balls hit them, bounced off and into the cup. twice. ive never been so disappointed in them.
i think i passed out for a few seconds while we were having sex but he didnt notice...
If I'm able to walk tomorrow morning, I'm gonna be really disappointed with myself...
Randomize
