my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
so i woke up thsi morning with a phadora on my head, no shirt and a huge hangover? want to help me figure this out?
You're the host. Of course you wear the diaper. It's like wearing the pants.
You said that "grilled cheese was much to complex" and started to throw the buttered bread at the wall while eating all the cheese.
I told her the job opening requires being on the phone during the week and on my face on the weekends. I think she wants the job.
We're both great liars, in committed relationships, and horny. Its the perfect storm of cheating
stalking the twitter feeds of girls who have fucked my current fuck buddy makes me glad we use condoms
Operation: 12 Dick pics of Christmas was a sweeping success, thanks for asking!
I'm happy I peed in your laundry basket last night
Watching the awkward tinder date at the table next to mine is the most action I've had in months, so there's that.
Never start off a conversation with "speaking of STD's..."
Dude, putting on underwear straight out of the dryer is the greatest thing ever. It feels like I wrapped my vagina in a warm blanket.
Well I mean I HAD done a pretty good job of not pooping myself through the years
Just fantasized about my boss's fingers in a meeting. I desperately need to get some.
No one can touch me, I'm made of fruit.
Randomize
