he is fucking friends with his exwife on facebook, but he defriends me after 3 dates? am i that crazy?
Cure to hiccups..road head..high five
just skyped with my friend to listen in on the people talking shit about me in the library. creepy or strategic?
how is telling me how long you drunkenly fucked someone supposed to make me miss you?
I swear she's a drunk klepto...by the end of the night she had stolen 3 bowling balls. HOW DO YOU STEAL 3 BOWLING BALLS?
I need to pack up my vagina and leave. We only do bad things together.
I'm so happy I'm only on my second drink. That would have been the best idea ever if I was on my fifth.
You climbed out your own window and walked in the front door..
No it'll be my boobs and the luge part will be from my nipples. Everyone will be sucking beer from my perfectly sculpted and partially melted tits.
When I die I just want my headstone to my name, date of birth-death, and TEQUILA!!
Right as the plane left the gate the brownies kicked in. I dont think the guy next to me appreciated my engine noises as we took off
So I'm just casually at the grocery store when I remember that there's still a clove of garlic in my vagina
I never imagine I'd say this, but can I ask Jeff for the butt plugs back even though it was a gift and we broke up?
not sure if actually covered in glitter or just drunk
fuck sobriety. I want to wake up tomorrow in a park or some shit.
Randomize
