just when i thought things couldnt get worse, the batteries died in my vibrator.
So i was told that i peed in the sink, had sex with a pillow and banged on a washer while singing idian chants
I don't understand but I fell asleep naked holding a tub of cool whip and a boiled egg
i just thought that perhaps i was done with the "boning on someone else's futon" stage of my life. guess not.
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
I woke up in my own bed clutching a key to a Ramada in another state.
However today I got my lube that might I add was dripping out of the box. I'd like to think my mailman was mixing business with pleasure.
then a garbage truck rolls up to the club, they hop out, and walk right in like they own the place
Decided to stop by the store on my walk of shame. I must really look like shit, a six year old girl just walked up to me and said "my mommy wanted me to tell you Jesus loves you." Thanks kid.
Explain to me again why I'm doing the walk of shame if we fucked at my house?
Lest it die in the depths of eternal drunken recall denial...we peed in the street. Middle of the street. Simultaneously. Peed. Street. Middle of street.
Dude there's ten thousand dollars worth of damage to the kids house and three thousand in stolen property and his dog is missing he is pissed
If I give him back his dog do you think he'll invite me to the next party
I woke up on the couch screaming in pain. I don't know how ended up there or why my foot was double the size. all I know is I'm now in a cast and never drinking tequila again. worst hangover ever.
I'm seriously considering starting a savings account so I'll have bail money this summer.
ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME! I SAID I WANTED SOMEONE CLASSY AND INSTEAD YOU SET ME UP WITH A GUY THAT JUST TOLD ME HIS FAVORITE PLACE TO FUCK IS ON HIS SWAMPBOAT “THE SLAMHOG!”
I DON’T WANT TO FUCK IN A SWAMP
First of all, his AIR boat is named “Slam Hog” not “The Slamhog.” Second, it’s top of the line. Third, don’t dismiss swamp sex before you try it!
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