Stars make me really horny. Especially that shiny one its just staring at me.
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
im gonna put my furry chinchilla vagina on her mother effing nose
you were watching the nanny crying, saying I wish I was that thin eating twinkies. THAT DRUNK.
we did rock-paper-scissors to see who would find out if you had alcohol poisoning
She's licking the seat belt now. Feeling a little uncomfortable
Let's go free Charlie Sheen and party with him
Stripperoke is exactly what it sounds...
You tripped over nothing.. everyone stopped what they were doing and stared..you stood up and yelled "you win this time gravity"..then started chugging someone's drink
He put his name in my phone as David Hot Guy With Tattoos and I fell in love because that's what I was going to change his name to anyways
I haven't reeked of cheap beer and poor decisions in months. I officially hate adult life.
We're ordering chinese food so if you want to get on this obesity train answer me now.
I'm sending lingerie pics that I took yesterday. I fully prepared for this holiday
coming down from speed on a 5 hour flight home from vegas is not a valid reason for calling off work the next day
so i said i had a yeast infection
You're a FUCKING ASSHOLE. Love mom
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