My balls are so social today.
I cant wait for your democrat phase to be over.
I distinctly recall there being a "I can't be dead 2maro" stipulation to going out last night. There's been a breech of contract
It was cool in an 'oh shit I'm gonna get arrested' way.
Meet me at the corner of "what the fuck" and"how'd you get in my bed" in 10 minutes.
I just realized I consumed seven different types of alcohol this weekend. And I'm only counting jungle juice as one of those. How the fuck did I not die?
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
The only explanation I can think of is that he still likes me. Which gives me an enormous amount of power over him and makes me laugh with malicious intent.
You realize we were screaming in the car about our apartment next year because we can "bring home randoms whenever we want" and "stare at each other from our door ways"
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
so hungover i had to get off the train to puke, rallied and went to work. not sure if that's an adulting win or fail
He just brought a live lobster to the party.
DO NOT TRY TO APPROACH HER CAT. IT IS A DEMON CAT FROM SATAN'S BALLS AND IT *WILL* TRY TO KILL YOU. I SPEAK FROM EXPIRENCE.
It's not even 7 yet. She's singing you are my sunshine to the smirnoff bottle.
just licked whipped cream off some model's nipple... just coming clean for when the pic gets on instagram because i am not untagging that shit
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