i'm pretty sure the devil's penis is california-shaped
guys i just found a dildo in the laundry room and its purple
whats a dildo? isnt that like a fancy piece of bread?
did you seriously just ask me if there is such thing as a sophisticated batman shirt?
i just made my gag reflex go away.
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so how was last night?
got high and had our usual talk about the definition of cole slaw. then tried to call the ramen noodle company and convince them why my face should be on thier packages.
He sat there and debated the pros and cons of hooking up with me
Im gonna need you to always be ready for drinking or this will never work. grow up peter pan.
There's a picture of you on facebook laying in the street with 3 cops standing over you after you faceplanted off that guy's shoulders.
Is that what happened to my face?!
How's my date look?
Like a retarded elf
In a good way
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I just spent an hour in the shower pretending I was a member of the b-52's. I can't go to work like this
Dude, putting on underwear straight out of the dryer is the greatest thing ever. It feels like I wrapped my vagina in a warm blanket.
The moral of the story is this:the last shot of the night is always a mistake
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
Remember when we got high off our ass and you talked me into running in place then punched me in the face and said it was a wall?
Ya, you were bleeding for an hour and a half
Yes be both agreed it was the worst sex in the history of fornication, so I asked him to sign the condom wrapper so I could frame it as a reminder to NEVER sleep with him again
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