We need to find a way to make penises more like hookahs.
I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
I wasn't hungover this morning. My head just hurt because someone tried to suction cup a dildo to my forehead.
He screamed "Hug me!" and dove into the bushes. How he gets laid every weekend is beyond me.
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His dad asked what he was doing so he texted his FATHER a picture of me wearing his shirt in his bed.
I WAS a history major. I also WAS a functioning human being. Fuck gin.
alright. I just need to set some ground rules, no lighting me on fire, and no broken bones. fair?
I don't care how sexy you think I look in my scrubs. Wanting a blow job is not a medical emergency.
...there was a woman in the stall next to me in the Walmart bathroom having a massive bowl movement and whispering "I'm sorry" over and over
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I didn't know how wild the party was going to be until one girl brought her pet raccoon
I said no to friends with benefits because it was too much commitment
It's like sleep walking but with blowjobs
You're like the Miss Manners of anonymous gay sex.
I can't believe we broke the fucking lamp.
*i* can't believe believe we broke the lamp fucking.
i don't know when underwear became an acceptable clothing choice for parties, but god help me i hope this isn't a passing trend.
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