i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
She really thought E.D. was a sexually position.
just friend requested my arresting officer from last night. too soon??
i'm naked playing bejeweled blitz in your bed. this is both a forewarning and an apology
We had sex on the hood of my car and broke the windshield.
Just saying. If you end up in canada tomorrow morning at least youll have my text to remind you how it happened
You tried to poop in the sink last night.
We're watching a video in class about cheese. The scoring for it sounds like that of a Lifetime movie. My mind is creative. I've continued my own story in my head of a wheel of cheese that was raped and murdered. It's so sad. I hope they get the guy. Btw, the video is about marketing.
If you can get laid in a rudolph onesie you are doing something right my friend.
Please take a moment of silence for the fact that I still have all 10 fingers
I sent dad a photo of my graduation certificate from drug therapy class. It was his birthday so it seemed appropriate.
You pretended to be Borat in that weird slingshot bathing suit and then proceeded to send another dick pic/nude selfie and said you weren't naked because you were wearing a hat.
i almost threw up on his dick. its like icarus, flew too close to the sun. except the sun is his dick and my throat was icarus
I finally figured out how to tighten my bra straps and I feel like a god
I just opened a beer with a child's toy at a 5 year olds birthday....can you look up the next AA meeting?!!
Randomize
