where are you
in your bedroom
how did you get in
your wife…
WTF
I mean I can't believe yesterday ended w/ your house getting firebombed. What an unexpected turn of events
My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
If I could pick any std, I would pick genital herpes. Seriously. Have you seen the commercials? The lady is riding a fucking bike, swimming, and on a date. I have a perfectly fine vag and all I do is go to the library.
i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
I almost puked on my graduation application. perfect.
I'm sorry to inform you but your friends with benefits card has expired has the beginning of the year. If you wish to renew your card you must submit a picture of a fully erect penis. Please note that not all request for a FWB card is accepted.
yeah, that's what i said too. right before i tackled that street sign.
Saw my boss's vagina at that party. Hung over at work has never been more acceptable
Of course not. I'd be offended if you didn't bring my boobs into casual conversation.
I wish on days I started my period Chipotle would come to my house with a burrito bar ... Then give me a chocolate cake and a large beer.
I don't really want to talk about it, but if anyone finds my unicorn mask with my bra in it, I would really like that back.
he asked me if i wanted to hook up & my answer was 'why not'. he came in thirty seconds and the condom broke. it's the love story of the century
I wonder if my sister will drive me around while I do bong hits in the back seat..
He's got a british accent, a tounge ring, and he's wearing an eye patch... Of corse I'm fucking him
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