do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
i either just walked in on pete wacking off to webmd or he was checking his dick for herpes
Haha im Trying. This detox stuff tastes nasty. It's bad when the only thing that came to mind when i took the first sip was how good it would be with Vodka
for future reference: anal bleach BEFORE boozing
she spent the whole night flailing her arms because "primates are the only species who can move their arms like that and we shouldn't waste it"
Saw someone get laid in the bathroom no one was wearing shoes and I had a parrot on my shoulder...I never want to leave this bar
He tried to give me a shoulder massage while i peed in the neighbors bushes to "make it more relaxing."... I let him... That drunk
In lieu of flowers, please donate to The Hungover Children's Fund in my name.
Like an undercooked grilled cheese that got cold again. But hairy.
And there goes my desire for sandwiches. Forever.
I need to shower three times. First to be clean, second to wash off all sins, and third will classify as baptism.
I am going to go back to drinking and listneing to Hanson now. Maybe crying. Or perhaps Full House reruns
When he breaks your heart after he reveals he's gay, I'll be there for you. -Love, Dad
It's 4am & this guy is asleep with his junk still inside me..really rethinking my life
You know you've found a good drug dealer when he's willing to overnight mail to you in another state...
He tried to eat me out...through my pants.
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