I think the phrase "bag of smashed assholes" describes it best
I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
He gave me a promise ring. He promised that he will imagine me as every girl he fucks in college.
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
There's two girls at the bar sniffing each others boobs.
her body is proportioned like a family guy character
She said she couldn't sleep with a guy who had blood stains on his ceiling. I tried to explain it wasn't my blood, but she still left :(
I'm currently day drinking, studying and making corn. Don't tell me what I can't do.
she cried into her fur with two handfuls of money- she was the physical manifestation of white girl problems
Next time he asks to wax your nipple while you're passed out I promise I'll be sober enough to intervene.
Is this girl REALLY making a smoothie in the bathroom right now?
She must've been waiting down the street cause after I said I specialized in inner-thigh-face-massage it couldn't have been 2 minutes until she was on my couch.
Better safe and shitfaced than hungover and in need of another surgery.
Got 2 free lines of blow from some random guys on the side of 13th street.....how's your Sunday going?
Randomize
