Flying to Orlando on the 7th is cheaper than the 8th by like three margaritas.
Blonde 1 is sitting on the floor crying and blonde 2 is asleep with her face in the toilet. This isn't what I had in mind when they asked me back
You love him. Dinosaurs. Math. Sex.
he has the hands of the vagina gods.
Found out why I didn't have to go drug test. My boss grew pot to pay for grad school.
She looked at me and said "i like penises." and then passed out with her condom balloon animal in her hands.
yea last night was a repeat of newyears...exept this time it ivolved a fish costume, throw up, a hole in the roof, and cops...lots of cops
well I already know I'm going to hell, at this point it's really go big or go home
Right... Let's keep my vodka tinged mind focused on simple words
Meeting his dad and brother for the first time at the jail while I'm bailing him out ISN'T exactly how I pictured this relationship going....
Hold on I'm doing something revolutionary that blossomed from a high idea
Just remember my house smells of thick cut bacon and I have a big dick.
Is it weird that I Facebook creep hot people from their credit card receipts?
Being single for so long makes me fucking creepy.
I can't tell if I have the Pizza Hut shits or beer shits
Sorry about kicking you last night but you don’t mess with a girls margarita bucket. Ever
Randomize
