I'm playing the Jersey Shore drinking game by myself at my mom's house. Things like this are not okay after college.
When he came downstairs he looked at me like I was attempting to rob his house.
Did you reintroduce yourself?
He threatened to call the cops.
Some kid just popped open a giant PBR and walked into his final...
She just spat tequila at me... Like a fountain... A broken fountain
I'm having a hard time existing right now. When I figure out how it works ill be over.
Looks like I've become the Walter White of my PhD cohort.
She had a glow in the dark pastie on her forehead the last time I saw her. That should help you find her.
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
Ate a live seahorse, then tried to order a nacho bell grande from an ATM.
How the fuck do you get to keep practicing as a Nurse.
I told him that if he cleaned the bathroom, I'd blow him. You could eat off the toilet. Seriously, get over here. This is the cleanest you'll ever see it.
And I just got smacked in the face by my cat. Apparently I'm supposed to be awake now.
Hold me and let me compliment your butt
The last thing I need is a possessed urethra.
I just slammed a bottle of white wine before I came to Whole Foods so basically I'm just training to be a middle aged white woman.
Kids music just accidentally came on at this party. I didn't know how many stoners were here until they all sang along.
Randomize
