i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
She asked me why there was $2 in the lunchmeat drawer of the fridge and BBQ sauce all over the kitchen... I'm not sure but I know it has something to do with you
I think the fact that my first kiss is now in a porno says a lot about why my life is the way it is
Getting sheets for college, what is the thread count that shows the least amount of cumstains?
630.
you blew your rape whistle in his face every time he got near a girl till he left the party...
all I remember is repeatedly winking at the fire marshall while he was counting the people in the bar
Dude. There's gotta be an article in Cosmo about it cause I've had three different girls tongue tickle my brownie this month.
I'm like 87% sure some random guy starting biting my ear after grinding me for like 30 seconds... I feel suprisingly unconcerned
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
I think I'm still a little drunk from Sunday Funday and I just changed for a date in my car. wish me luck.
k. The important thing is we are going out. You are stones. I am mildly hallucenating.
everything in the house taste like gin even the water, friday nite was a success
So baked. About to eat a calzone then hate fuck this guy.
THAT'S MY GIRL
I got the security footage. Thank you boobies!
Once you start using "cuddles" as a code word for sex you'll never get real cuddles again
Randomize
