Ridin mah bike see you on the moon
I'm giving up shame for lent. Here come the best 40 days and nights of my life.
She had a group on her phone called "great fucks". I was in it. It's almost like making the forbes list
They only remember me when they're drunk...I'm like a suppressed memory.
I woke up with $100 in my pocket and I was so excited until I found an atm receipt for a $500 withdrawal. Not as exciting.
She kept screaming "best case scenario"
he quoted the bible to break up with me
Right, because I totally see myself driving all the way down there to fuck his world famous penis.
She kept telling the ambulance to sit down and then started crying when we told her it couldn't hear her
Her fucking playlist had randy newman on it. It was like woody was watching the whole time.
Oh shit. The hangover. It has taken 20 mins and 5 attempts to tie my shoelaces
just shotgunning some tallboys in the cooler, you?
HOW DO YOU GET RAISES EVERY TWO WEEKS?!
Listen. You dont know how advanced you are in yoga till you have to shave your butthole
There's a guy masturbating in front of Sephora right now
he just fucked me for my cheese.
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