I told him I was prego. He asked coul we do it without a condom now since I cldn't get any pregnanter. What an a-hole.
Drank beer out of a hotwheels bucket all night
My roommate has every episode of Full House. I'm going to fail my midterm tomorrow.
She makes me want to have breakfast margaritas every day
im so sorry the vomit froze your passenger door shut... you should have stopped.
if youre pregnant and ruin my spring break i'll never forgive you.
Petty good. I just stapled a 5 dollar bill onto the chest of a sword swallower.
I probably looked like a mental patient. I had my IV in one hand and cup of pee in the other, swaying around with a dazed grin on my face. I love vicodin.
Dude, you left ME alone in your house. With your fully-stocked wine cellar. Why would you do that to yourself?
Hide in the closet. if you hear me yell patato salad come out swinging.
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
I really wanna just be like, can you just eat me out and stop whining
I think that would solve a million problems
I think if my mom ever finds out about my nipple piercings I'll just be like "mom, tbh it's a sex thing"
I think the biggest problem with being overhigh is when the kitchen was on fire and I was pointing and laughing and eating rootbeer oreos like it was fucking Ozzfest 2000
you can't let guys come on your chest and then hog my blanket
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