I'm like a rollypolly, I only open my legs up when I feel safe.
Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
Does boxed wine and camel crushes signify a college date? Lets hope so
He gave me a book last time I slept there. Im beginning to feel like a really weird hooker. Like instead of money he gives me random shit he has lying around. like hamburger buns
He deserves to hear about your Vagina Shrooms
I feel like tequila heightens the sense of my nipples.
look up what dreaming that you're in a lesbian relationship with a manatee means.
I was so stoned on the way to work, I pretended you were in the car with me. We sang "Mrs. Jackson" by outkast.
She took a crow from her moms Halloween decorations, taped it to her shoulder, went to the bar and made the guys buy a drinks for both her and the crow.
That would be a mascot riding an ATV at a semi-professional hockey game, if that doesn't sum up how I've been I don't know what could
I don't know how guys can take themselves seriously when they see themselves naked
For a guy who came before his dick was out of his pants, he gave surprisingly good head.
I'm on a party bus with a stripper pole with middle aged women who have all started drinking
God bless your soul.
The reason why I poison my organs is so that you guys can't sell them.
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
Randomize
